"I’m Staying For The Kids"

Too often I hear people staying in bad marriages for their kids. We all want to raise our children in a two parent home. That is the dream…  Right?  What happens when the reality no longer lives up to the fantasy? I mean marriage is work. Some years are great, while others years are horrible. Many of us, including myself, have tried everything to make it work. Not necessarily in the right order, but we tried and failed. Sometimes it’s like picking up broken glass with your bare hands. But you realize your kids are used to seeing both of you and the notion of taking that from them seems heart wrenching. I mean staying married for the kids is the responsible thing? But it's not... It might be one of the silliest idea's we have come up with, just to avoid or delay starting over.

I grew up without my mother. My step mother loved me the best way she knew how. Sometimes it was hard, but not as hard as living with both of my parents. They were hell together.  When it was good it was good, but when it was bad, it was horrible.   I mean bad like furniture turned over horrible. They weren't right for each other... I am an adult now…  I survived... I had a mother and another mother that loved me. It was bonus. FYI I know messed up adults that came from two parent homes. Living with both parents doesn't guarantee a less dysfunctional child. The goal is to ensure your child is well rounded. With love, support, and stability any child is destine for greatness.  Keep in mind children are resilient and with the right emotional support ultimately they will be happy just because their mommy and daddy are. Also I have found that my friends whose parent got a divorce when they’re adults seem to be the most traumatized. They never saw it coming, because their parents were so good at pretending.  As parents it is our responsibility to be the example for our children, so staying together faking to be in love would be a lie. We owe our kids more then that.

I know many of you are thinking lies are okay to protect our children. However are we really protecting them or hurting them? The reality of life is people change and things fall apart sometimes. We should be showing our children how to pick up the pieces and move on with our sanity intact. I couldn't imagine living a lie. Honestly I did try…. I tried to live a lie… Sounds crazy saying it out loud... Not just for the kids, I tried for him and us. I remember when my ex husband and I were going through the motions. We confused the hell out of our children. And mentally we put each other in some crazy places, trying to force what we lost. It was like we were never on the same page at the same time... I remember once my ex-husband bought me a new dryer, new furniture, and mailed me divorce papers all the same week. I really didn't even know what to think. Who does that?  Talk about confusing... I eventually learned to love my self enough to remove myself from the roller coaster. You have to put your own oxygen mask on first.

In retrospect we lost so many good years going through the motions. I wish we had of known when to walk away. We set a piss poor example dragging everything out. We dragged it out for years. I remember my daughter asked me one day if my boyfriend's daughters lived with his wife. Assuming everyone is married and separated... Divorce in its self is definitely a process.  A process that impacts you and your children. However if that is the road you are taking, there is no need to delay, the sooner you start, the sooner the healing begins for everyone.

Here is some GOOD ADVICE:

I know you want to stay for your children. I mean its easier too. But.... I have an alternative suggestion once the spark is gone, you have tried everything you can to make it work. I do mean everything; many fail to realize marriage isn't always a walk in the park on a bright sunny day. Sometimes marriage can be like getting your car stuck in the middle of nowhere, in a blizzard, with no cell phone reception, hopeless. Once you have exhausted all possibilities and you can’t fathom staying together for each other, please show your children how to gracefully pick up these pieces and move on with your life. Let them know one bad apple doesn't spoil the barrel. That life can and will go on. Time heals wounds and we are equipped to love again, even after heart break. We are the example, we should be showing them what a real partnership looks and feels like. If they can't learn that from us, then who? There is so little love is this world, I would be afraid to leave the teaching up to anyone but me.